30 Things you didn't know about Chuck Norris.

I couldn't resist this one. C'mon guys, Walker Texas Ranger... Quite possibly the best show ever. He lives in Texas, is a cop, drives a insanely large truck, rocks cowboy boots and whips ass. If that doesn't make you want to stand up and solute ol' glory than you're a terrorist bastard.

So, here are 30 things you didn't know about Chuck Norris.
  1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
  3. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
  4. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
  5. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  6. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
  7. Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
  8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  9. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
  10. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
  11. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  12. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
  13. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
  14. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  15. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
  16. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  17. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
  18. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
  19. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  20. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
  21. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
  22. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
  23. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  24. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
  25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  26. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
  27. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
  28. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."
  29. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
  30. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 15, 2005 at Tuesday, November 15, 2005. You can skip to the end and leave a response.

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9:48 PM

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This
is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to
lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.    



2:44 PM

Number 13 was hilarious. There's just something divinely funny about using woodchuck to tick off Chuck Norris.    



5:41 PM

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party && proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor .. just because he's Chuck Norris *    



10:17 PM

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

If you can see CHUCK NORRIS, CHUCK NORRRIS can see you. If you can't see him, you may be seconds away from death    



12:40 PM

Chuck Norris once took 30 sleeping pills, all that made him do was blink.    



12:41 PM

Chuck Norris once took 30 sleeping pills, all that made him do was blink.    



2:30 PM

Who is this Mr Norris?    



2:31 PM

Chuck Norris does not bleed red, red is the color of comunism.    



2:54 AM

I met the man once. There was a large group of peaple around him, and after a few minutes I was able to get close enough to touch him.
I tapped chuck on the back of the shoulder, and the next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital. The doctor told me that I had been in a coma for three weeks. Apparently after I tapped him on the shoulder, chuck wiped around and delivered a round house kick to my face, but unfortunatly the 5 peaple that chuck's foot made contact with before it got to me where not so lucky, but there deaths are probably the only thing that saved my life...still...I blame myself.    



9:15 PM

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

There is no theory of evolution, just the animals Chuck lets live.

The universe IS expanding. Everyone is running away from Chuck Norris.

huck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.



Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.



On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found 'em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.    



9:15 PM

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

There is no theory of evolution, just the animals Chuck lets live.

The universe IS expanding. Everyone is running away from Chuck Norris.

huck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.



Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.



On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found 'em!"

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.    



9:56 PM

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.    



9:56 PM

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

TJ    



10:03 PM

Chuck Norris and Wolverine once got into a fight. During the fight, Wolverine cut of Chuck Norris' left testicle. You may know it by it's scientific name....Jupiter.    



10:12 PM

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, as "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.    



10:24 PM

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar which subsequently exploded. Apparently no single building can contain that much AWESOME    



10:37 PM

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. He almost blinked.    



11:13 PM

When the Hulk gets mad, he becomes Chuck Norris.    



12:47 AM

Chuck Norris does not go hunting, for hunting infers the probability of failure, he goes killing.    



2:15 AM

did you hear they recently cancelled 24? chuck norris had already solved the cases.

the world cup is ending early this year since chuck norris already won.    



2:24 AM

Chuck Norris DOES NOT change lightbulbs, he just scares the dark away.    



4:38 AM

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a midget and it burst into 25 gold coins.    



6:55 AM

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax simply pointing at her and saying, "Booyah."    



7:49 AM

An old Chuck Norris doesn't die. Everyone around him does.    



9:08 AM

Read up on that 24 guy.. Jack Bauer. He is pretty sick too. actually who wins... Jack Vs. Chuck    



9:11 AM

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter    



9:48 AM

Chuck Norris does not go "hunting", since that word implies a possibility of failure. Instead, Chuck Norris goes "killing".    



10:01 AM

When Chuck Norris jumps in the lake he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris.    



10:08 AM

Chuck Norris actually died in 1994 but nobody has had the balls to tell him.    



10:21 AM

Chuck Norris went to a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac and got it.    



11:18 AM

When Chuck Norris does sleep, it's with a nightlight. Because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.    



12:22 PM

Did you know Chuck Norris can kill you in one second....47 times.    



12:23 PM

Jesus may be able to walk on water... but Chuck Norris can swim through land.    



1:08 PM

if true, incredible to believe chuck norris is sixty years old!    



1:09 PM

MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE!!!~ NORRIS IS SIXTY-SIX YEARS OLD....! ! ! ! REALLY? ? ? ?    



3:50 PM

Best blog post ever.    



4:20 PM

Glenn Danzig can kick Chuck's butt...butt really a fire starter could do it best.222    



8:22 PM

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.    



10:02 PM

Chuck Norris does not shave. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks himself in the face because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.    



11:58 PM

hey, whoever you are....spend some time watching the movies: "carwash" and "to live and die in LA". Furthur your education.
Chuck Norris has had a pretty rough life...ya know sexing skulls and everthing. How would you like to be him?
Mr. Big    



12:22 AM

Chuck Norris CAN tell your achy breaky heart.

Chuck Norris defied Simple Minds and forgot about them.

Chuck Norris DOES dream it's over.

Chuck Norris looked back in anger.

Chuck Norris gives THEM Cat Scratch Fever.

Chuck Norris does not think it's a nice time for a white wedding.

Chuck Norris symbolizes the quantum theory of superposition, which says an object can be in two places or more at once. He can be in your sister and girlfriend at the same time.    



11:35 AM

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity. Instead, he sought it out and destroyed it with Extreme Prejudice.    



5:18 PM

how much wood could chuck norris chuck if chuck norris could chuck wood?

chuck norris woold chuck as much wood as he could chuck until chuck norris run until chuck barkley. He will then sit his butt down. any man who can man handle SHAQ is not afraid of a chuck norris kick    



8:51 PM

ROTFLMAO!!! Excellent!    



9:00 PM

An ounce of Chuck Norris' dandruff has a street value equivalent to ten kilos off pure uncut Columbine cocaine.

Chuck Norris' bowel movements are collected and used as fuel in nuclear reactors.

Although Chuck Norris was born without a sense of fear, much like dogs and bees, he has the ability to smell it in othrers and it makes him arroused.

Though God made the world in seven days, Chuck Norris could have done it in four. With just one roundhouse kick.    



10:50 PM

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.    



5:28 AM

Chuck Norris can kill you with every object in your room... including the room itself.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, for with hunting there is the chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.    



12:49 PM

How did this make fark.com? It's been around for at least 6 months.    



5:40 PM

In the back of the guinus book of world record it states Chuck Norris holds all records these are simply the people who got the closest.    



4:04 AM

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands...they are now called the Islands.    



9:08 PM

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.    



8:57 PM

Chuck Norris doesn't go looking for orgys, Orgys go looking for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's not pushing himself up, he's really pushing the earth down.    



8:08 AM

Chuck norris was once walking down a main city street, when he got an erection. There were no survivors.    



7:17 PM

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.....    



9:52 AM

Who the hell is chuck norris?    



5:49 PM

omg, this is the funniest shit ever, i posted a few on my myspace    



4:03 AM

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1:26 AM

Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages... he leaves warnings

Chuck Norris counted to infinity TWICE

Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his mom and dad

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter

Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars, wheels, and pedals and still outrace the fastest vehicle in the world

Superman is Chuck Norris at his worst

Chuck Norris went to infinity and beyond twice

Guns don't kill people... an angry Chuck Norris does    



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