Fact: My cousin Ryan does not drink. That is lame.

This past weekend, Ryan decided to hang with his older cousin (me) and run with the big dogs. We had a great dinner at The Rio which included some margaritas and then a trip to a local rooftop bar that serves drinks till 1:45.

After Big Ry's Mexican dinner and high-octane margarita we departed to K's China and proceeded to down drink after drink. Booze was flowing like water and Ry was getting pretty tipsy. The bartenders called last call so we snagged one last drink and headed back to our table. 3 minutes after last call this asshole bouncer stood up on the table next to us and started screaming at the crowd. Here is how the conversation goes.

Asshole: Get the fuck out. We're closed.
Asshole: You heard me, get the fuck out.
Ryan: (To Me)What the hell is wrong with this guy?
Me: I guess he really wants people to leave.
Ryan: (To Me) It's only 1:40, we have 20 more minutes!
Me: (Checks Watch) Yeah, what the hell is going on?
Asshole: (To Ryan and I) Did you not mother-fucking hear me, I said it is time to go.
Ryan: (To Bouncer) It's ok man, we're just going to finish up our drinks and we'll be on our way.
Asshole: No, I said leave now.
Ryan: We just got these drinks at last call, which was 3 minutes ago. We'll drink them as fast as we can and be on our way. 3-4 minutes tops.
Asshole: (To Ryan) Asshole, if you don't get up right now I'm going to carry you the fuck out of here.
Ryan: You know what buddy, YOU'RE A JERK!
Asshole: (Stares Ryan down for 3-4 seconds, then looks directly at me)
Me: Can I help you?
Asshole: (Repeats) If you don't get up right now I'm going to carry you out of here.
Me: Buddy, go right ahead. (I stand up, put my drink down, walk up to the jackass and put my arms out.)

Needless to say, the asshole bouncer picked me up and carried me down two flights of stairs to get me out of the bar. Seeing how I found this highly comical and he picked me up like a sack of potatoes I started to pretend to jog in place while he was carrying me, I performed swimming motions and alerted others in the bar that they were giving complimentary escorts that evening.

When the shithead finally got me to the end of the 2nd set of stairs and placed me down I commented "Thanks for the ride, man-horse" and went on my merry way. Yes, I was carried out of the bar due to my cousin's mouth and the bouncers inability to carry him out. Fantastic. Being 115 pounds has its advantage.

What I find most entertaining is my cousin's choice of words in his moment of belligerence... "You're a JERK" just doesn't quite have the same ring as some other choice sayings that I would have let fly.

Ryan, after having a few drinks.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 02, 2006 at Wednesday, August 02, 2006. You can skip to the end and leave a response.